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Young Writers Society



Under the Grey Sky

by Thriving Fire


"I feel like running" she said,
But the weeping water below her words
Said more

"Follow me" she whispered,
Her breath is wet now,
And with a desperate bounding run
She's gone.

He follows, just like she asked.
---------------------------------------

An audience surrounds me,
Blurred not by tears but irrelevance
in this grey little scene.

They're unsure of what has happened,
The maybes, the worries, the hopefullys;
They're unsure
and I wish I could join them.
-----------------------------------------

I take a step towards the runaway girl,
Alas, I can but walk.
It seems she did not run,
She moved.

I take a step towards the runaway girl,
The distance between us is roads
but it should be worlds.

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798 Reviews

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Wed Dec 10, 2008 12:34 am
Jiggity wrote a review...



I feel like running" she said,

But the weeping water below her words

Said more



"Follow me" she whispered,

Her breath is wet now,

And with a desperate bounding run

She's gone.




This rhymes. The rest doesn't. Why?

He follows, [s]just like she asked.[/s]


I think 'He follows' works better.

They're unsure of what has happened,

The maybes, the worries, the hopefullys;

They're unsure

and I wish I could join them.


If they are irrelevant, why is a whole stanza dedicated to their feelings?

*

I thought this was interesting and I think I got the point of it, though I could be wrong. It should be a little clearer I think as it was a bit obscure, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.





All the turtles are related.
— Jack Hanna